Can Black Men Successfuly Date Outside Of Their Race?
I was at a dinner party a couple of years ago that a friend of mine was hosting. He wanted to throw a party to celebrate his new found relationship. Now, it just so happens that my friend was black and his new lover was white. That didn’t bother me. The only thing I was concerned about was if they truly made each other happy. That’s the goal of any relationship gay or straight, right?
Once I got to the party, I could tell all was not well in paradise. The whole night, there seemed to be a disconnect with the two of them. Their body language and chemistry was not of two people in love, but two people who didn’t know how to interact with each other. I did not see them hug or kiss each other all evening. I didn’t see them even slightly touch each other. The conversation was forced, and an ever so slight miscommunication between the two of them almost resulted in them having an argument. Not my ideal of a fun evening…
But nevertheless, it got me to start thinking. This was the THIRD time that I was around them as a couple. And their interaction with each other was exactly the same as the first time I met them. New relationships are supposed to get better with the passage of a few months, right? Not in this case, and it made me start to feel that they simply weren’t compatible with each other. Does race have something to do with it? A little bit, but more on that later. Relationships are between TWO people. That’s it. Black and white. Black and Hispanic. White and Asian. It doesn’t matter. It’s what those TWO people bring to the table that counts. And that’s where I want to go with this. It’s what my African-American brothers are bringing to the relationship table that causes the problem…especially in interracial relationships.
In the case of my friend, he was one of those black men who was “through” with dating black men. Back in college, he had a couple of unsuccessful relationships with TWO black men, and he swore that he would NEVER date another one. It was at this point that he started hanging out with only white gay people. He only dated white men. Everything about my friend now was about forgetting everything that was black, and replacing it with everything white. Even my friendship with him started to suffer a bit. It was like he was taking an eraser and trying to rub out the blackness. It was disturbing.
I received a call from him a few months later after he started dating his first white boyfriend. He was crying because his then boyfriend had just broke up with him, and he really wanted to talk. I obliged and met him at a restaurant for a couple of drinks. It was then, during our conversation that he opened up about some disturbing things that happened to him during this childhood. One, that he was sexually molested at a young age by an older uncle. And two, he was physically abused by his father. Hmm…
Let’s stop here for a minute. Think about what I said earlier. It’s what we bring to the table in our relationships that will either make them or break them. And in the case of my friend, there were STILL unresolved feelings about his sexual molestation and his physical abuse that controlled him, frightened him, and saddened him. It was then, that he told me that the last black man that he dated pushed him during the midst of an argument. He said that “push” made him think about his father, and about how he wanted to escape from him. How he wished his life was totally different. It’s sad, but the effects of abuse can last for a long time. His ideal of “escape” was not only being with someone who was not black, but in a way denying his own blackness. The blackness that had caused him so much pain as a child.
(A side note: When we were sitting at the table having this conversation years ago, I asked my friend why did his boyfriend break up with him? The response: “He said that I don’t know how to handle problems and stress well. He said I was ‘too much’ for him.” Hmm…)
But, as you can see, it wasn’t so much the black men that my friend dated that made him turn away from black men. It was all of my friend’s unresolved personal issues that made him turn away from black men. Those personal issues also affected how he dealt with the white men that he was now dating.
Well, did he fare better with white men? Not really. During sex one night, one white man he was with told him to, “Take this white cock you black bitch!” Needless to say, they didn’t talk again. Another white man cheated on him repeatedly and gave him genital herpes. And another white man actually sexually assaulted him. But is that to say that all white men are bad? No. Not at all.
Black people have always had this kind of “savior” mentality when it comes to white people. Like everything will be “better” with the white man. Or that the white man will take care of me…provide for me…be a better husband to me. And if you think about it, the mentality goes back to slave times. Lighter skinned blacks were in the house with the white master, while the darker skinned blacks were out in the field. It was a “privilege” to be in the house with the master. The lighter you were, the “better” you were. The more you were able to do and accomplish in society. Light skinned blacks who were “white” looking were taught at an EARLY age to pass as white. To never look back to their blackness, because it would only bring you the whip and shackles.
And if you think about it, there are blacks who subconsciously do it now. Because these particular black people feel that white is right and better, they will hang out with all white people, try to listen to “white” music, date white people, go to “white” churches, basically do ANYTHING that is NOT black. This is the 21st century ideal of “passing” for white. But are we really “passing” for white, or “passing” on ourselves?
I was reading a website that had a discussion about interracial dating. Here are some of the comments that were from the BLACK MEN:
“I would never date a black man for the simple fact they are good for nothing. This is coming from a black man.”
“I am a young gay black man, and I only date white men because black men are no good for me. They are liars, cheaters, dead beat fathers, criminals, thugs, jail birds, jobless, drug dealers, gang bangers, and everything else. Black men are extremely homophobic.”
“I had one bad experience with a black man and that did it for me.”
Are those really fair statements to make? I’m black and I think I’m one hell of a catch for a guy! Are all black men bad? No. Are all black men criminals and thugs? No. It’s one thing to have a personal preference…it’s something TOTALLY different to label a specific race based on a few bad experiences. That’s ignorance. And gay people, more than ANY should be well aware of the ignorance that most straight people have about us. We as gay people already deal with enough as it is…why do we want to practice ignorance within our OWN community?
And that’s the lesson for today. We are INDIVIDUALS. And yes, we do have individual preferences. Some of us black men actually LIKE white men, and vice verse. All white men aren’t out to date black men because they have big dicks. All black men aren’t out to date a white man because of what they think they can do for them. When we meet people and when we date, we bring together our collective experiences. We share thoughts and ideals. We communicate about life, politics, science, religion, and so many other things. And this is ultimately what a relationship should be about. It should be about whether or not on a FUNDAMENTAL level if two people are compatible or not. Black, white, or hispanic have nothing to do with that.
As for my friend, he and the guy from that awful dinner party eventually broke up. But, the bright side is my friend did get some professional help to deal with his childhood issues. And now, he lives a more happy and more fulfilled life. He has patched things up with his father, and even his sexually abusive uncle. He does have a current boyfriend. They have been together for a few years now. He is not white, but hispanic. But he went into the relationship on his own terms…and by bringing a better “ME” to the relationship table, he was able to find someone that truly loves him for the person that he is. Yes, black men can date successfully outside of their race. We can also successfully date each other. It starts with treating not only ourselves, but others with dignity and respect.
“The greatest thing is to love…and be loved in return.” From Moulin Rouge
© 2010 TheBlackGayInfidel
The Black Gay Infidel 